13 Random Thoughts

by Dj Ryb

13 Random Thoughts Part 2

1) Outdoor Seating

Why do you have to be on top of me!?!?! Move your seat so that there is an appropriate amount of personal space between us. Tables are too close outdoors, anyhow. Restaurants and bars try and fit as many tables in a tiny space like it's a game of Tetris. FYI: This not fun for your patrons. I'm not coming back.

2) Elevators

Let someone out before you walk in. This is just common sense. I can't remember how many times I had to push someone out of the way just so I could get off the elevator before the door closed. The same thing goes with doors, idiots!

3) Traffic...again

This may be a never ending saga. You ever had that guy that flies in off the exit on your right and punches in to your lane when we have the right of way? There is a reason for that big red triangle that says YIELD, buddy! Here is a definition of yield: "To give up one's place, as to one that is superior". That's right, I am superior in my blue Toyota Matrix.

"Bow Down to the one that's greater than you!" Ice Cube

4) Tucked in T-Shirts

WHY?!?!? It's always the guy with a huge beer belly or the IT guy with 3 pagers and 4 cell phones on their belt. WTF!

5) Wearing a jersey of a player that is not on the team or hasn't been there for years...

This is getting a bit out of control lately. I know jerseys are expensive and all but you just need to retire it to the closet or give it to Goodwill. There are plenty of homeless people that could use some nice gear. At least pick a player that you know is going to stay on the team for a long period of time such as Paul Pierce, David Ortiz or Tom Brady. I saw at least 45 Johnny Damon jerseys this year, even on adults. He switched to the freakin' Yankees! Come on! There have also been numerous Ricky Davis sightings this season. This is not OK.

6) Choosing Little Pisser when others are open

I would just as soon take the stall (with doors) when I am stuck with this choice. Why are others not compelled to do the same? Why is there a little pisser in an office anyway? Is this a law?

7) Cabbies who don't know the city

I don't even live in the city and this pisses me off. Don't ask us which way we want to go...if you do, my answer will be "The cheapest and fastest way!"

8) Hitting the button at crosswalks

If you're going to actually wait for the "Walk" signal, this is acceptable. If you're going to press the button and walk whenever you feel like it, don't press it and hold up traffic. The lights are on a ridiculous cycle as it is. People wonder why we get so angry driving in Massachusetts. This is one of many reasons.

9) Farting while you piss

I guess this is a normal body function. It's just really annoying and gross.

10) Insisting on people calling you Dick, when your name is Richard

You would think the word would have gotten out on this by now. I would guess people have been using the term since 1965 in order to call someone an ass or to refer to their junk. Who said you were allowed to ADD letters to your name anyhow? There isn't a K anywhere. Rich is the only logical option. From now on, I will go by Cheetah...

11) People who turn left in the right lane at an intersection when there is an obvious Left Turn lane

This will continue to piss me off until I die or get a new job. It happens every damn day. The right lane is for going straight across the intersection. The left lane is to take a LEFT. It's pretty simple. How did you get your license anyhow? These people either almost cause an accident every time or end up cutting you off even though you have the right of way. I am getting fired up just typing this!

12) Ghetto ATMs built in 1975 that take 10 minutes to give you $20

I have seen way too many of these still lingering in prominent locations across the United States. The buttons don't work. You can't read the screen. You have to go through 5 extra steps just to pick your checking account. I've even had to get my money using my remedial Spanish skills because I hit the wrong button. If I am using an ATM at a convenience store or gas station, I know what I am getting myself into and should be punished accordingly. If I am using an ATM outside of a bank and it still looks ghetto, I might second guess ever moving my account to your establishment, no matter how many "free" services you might offer. Not a good business move, corpos.

13) Using Instant Messenger Shorthand when you are over the age of 18

LOL, BRB and STFU are not acceptable. Learn how to type and speak like an adult. It really doesn't take that much more time. Seriously...

Check out these classics:

ROTFLMAORolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off

ROTFLOL Rolling On The Floor Laughing Out Loud

ROTGLRolling On The Ground Laughing

ROTGLMAORolling On The Ground Laughing My Ass Off

Really? Was it that funny? "Ha ha" wouldn't do? Give me a break. I can't believe more than 5 actually exist: http://www.netlingo.com/emailsh.cfm

13 Random Thoughts

1) Half-assed Spanglish

Que Pasa? and Nada Mucho don't not make you sound cultured or intelligent. You just sound dumb. Stop it!

2) Close Talkers

Is there anything worse than that person who invades your personal space when talking to you? This conversation is usually unprovoked by you as well. Please give me at least 2 feet, dude! The close talker usually has dank breath or awful B.O., which makes the situation that much more unbearable. What you are telling me is most likely not a secret so speak from a distance, homey. If you see me doing the limbo or moving my chair at my desk to the wall, take a hint.

3) Fat Arms. Small Shirt.

There are just some people who should not be wearing tank tops. More often than not, it is the girl who resembles Orlando Pace and is probably going to land a nice block on you later in the night just as you try to rush in for the score. If you have 20" pythons like Hulk Hogan, but more resemble Star Jones, keep the guns at home. Long sleeved shirts usually don't cost too much more.

4) Boobs But Belly (aka Triple B)

This is a serious problem around the Boston area. I would say 45% of the girls I saw at a Sox game recently fit this profile. This can be a shaky situation when drunk because it can be overlooked at first. "Hey, check her out! She looks kind of hot. Oh man, she's got bombs too!". The face is cute, the rack is stacked and even the arms are slightly toned. Then you take a closer look and she's got a gut like Artie Lange. WTF is that? Lay off the Budweiser ladies. Damn.

5) Urinal Chatter

It should be assumed that you go to the pisser for one thing only...to handle your business. Many people don't seem to realize the unwritten rule of not talking to the person next to you when at the urinal. This is never a comfortable situation and should be avoided at all costs, even if it means going to the shitter to avoid the Piss Talker. How this is not written into the Constitution is beyond me. I think I might start a petition to get this passed as a law.

6) Foot Traffic

This is also another unwritten rule that many people are unaware of or choose to ignore. High traffic areas should be treated with the same rules of the road. Walk on the right side while others pass you on the left in the opposite direction. If I see another person trying to swim upstream at a concert or sporting event, I might just smack them. Go around, stupid!

7) Fenway Park Beer Issues

Why do we not have plastic beer bottles available at any Boston sporting event? Considering the amount of alcohol we consume in this area, would this really be a bad idea? I can't tell you how many times I have had beer spilled on me (I've done it too!) because someone was double fisting and trying to walk between those skinny ass rows of seats bullt for midgets in the 1920's. At least give us a cap. What a joke.

8) Schmoopie Talk at Work

There is no need to do the lovey dovey talk at work with your significant other while everyone around you can hear. Take it outside on your cellphone, you lazy fuck!

9) Loud Cellphone Talkers

Buddy, take it down a notch. That microphone on your phone works pretty good. I don't need to hear how you acquired Herpes this past weekend in Cancun. I guarantee the person on the other end can't understand a word you're saying either.

10) Drug References at work

When trying to spell a word over the phone, don't use a drug reference. I definitely heard "that's K as in Kilo" a few weeks ago. Was it really that hard to find another word to use? K as in Kite? K as in Kangaroo? There are plenty of K words to go around.

11) Wine Snobs

If you ask for a wine list at the local pub or some ghetto ass bar, you are a freakin' tool. They probably have two kinds: White and Red. Get the beer on tap, douche!

12) Traffic Asses

I hate most people, but I really despise people who cut in front of you in slow or dead stopped traffic when you are just barely leaving enough room for yourself to be safe. I'm trying to get there too, you asshole. Not only did you just gain zero ground, but you pissed me off enough to think that ramming the back of your car so your head snaps into the steering wheel might be a good idea. Get some patience and lay off the coffee.

13) Gum Spitters

This really pissed me off the other day. I was at work and stepped in gum right near the front entrance, nearly ruining my crispy white Pumas. There are two trash cans about 10 feet from this spot. Are people really this lazy and ignorant? Wait, don't answer that.