"The Top 13 Flaws That Make a Hot Girl, Not Hot"
by R.G.
Additions by Dj RyB and The Doctor
"The Top 13 Flaws That Make a Hot Girl, Not Hot"
We encounter it at least once a week. We see a girl that is absolutely stunning. When you're with your boys she might be "banging" or "a smoke show", if you are with your old man she is "hot" and if you are with your boss or a girl she is "beautiful". I recently encountered the most stunning girl that I have witnessed in years … yes, YEARS. I spotted her walking down a Boston street "dolomite" (aka "solo"). She was just unbelievably smokin'!
Description: Long dark hair, rich dark skin, white stunner shades (not oversized), white tank top, perfect fitting jeans, and white stilettos. This girl made Jessica Alba look like Rosie O'Donnell. This evaluation wasn't made at a distance of more than 30 feet. After the initial discovery, I tailored my stalk … I mean WALK, similar to hers. This girl was un-real even after further examination. I watched her from a distance for about 5 minutes and then the worst thing happened. She hopped in a hooptie, lit up a butt and started talking like a trucker on her cellphone!
Now here are "The Top 13 Flaws That Make a Hot Girl, Not Hot":
1. Smoking:
Nothing is worse than spitting game at a chick for over an hour, spending $24.00 on two cosmos, and then mid-conversation, "I have to go outside to smoke a butt". Witnessing a hot chick smoke is bad enough, but talking to her after she smokes is even worse. The gum/Bath and Body Works sprits spray cover-up is useless. It just magnifies the smell and draws more attention, like covering a bad haircut with a hat; everyone knows it's still under there. Who like a girl with HARSH breath, anyway?
2. Dank Feet:
I learned my lesson at a young age. Even before 17 years of age, I would check girls out from the head to toe and it would go something like this. Hair – Nice, Face – Cute, Chest – Boner, Torso – Good, Legs – Sexy, Feet – DANK! Now, when I see a girl that has the potential of being a smoke show, I start with the feet. If they're dank, I don't even finish the examination.
3. Hooptie:
How's a girl that scores a 7 or above (on any hotness scale) going to get into that 1993 rusted up Toyota Corolla with filthy ripped cloth interior? At least get a Kia, or a Jetta. I mean, come on!
4. Bug:
Hot girls can really ruin their image by being a bug. You snag a hot girl's number at the Sox game. After the 36 hour rule and 7 beers, you give her a ring. You go through the standard first two dates and on a Tuesday date, really hit it off. Wednesday rolls around and you get a call before work, "Have a good day". During lunch you get a call, "How's your day going?" On the way home you get the "How was your day?" call. Two hours later you get the "What are you having for dinner?" call. Then "How was dinner?". You stop answering and wake up to 3 voicemails. After you cut it off, she is convinced that she ended it. This girl is a Bug! Bugs are Not Hot! Just really pesky...
5. Caught Up:
Here and there you run into a hot chick with the stamp of a dude all over her. Somehow this chick correlates anything and everything to her ex-boyfriend. Most of the time it's negative, but occasionally she'll reference a positive correlation. At this exact point she is "Not Hot". You can't be mad at the dude – he did his job. He brainwashed this girl and he conquered the assignment. Shout out to all you dudes who have made a hot girl "Not Hot". Assholes!
6. Cat Fighter III:
Two girls wrestling in a pool of Crisco...interesting. Two girls duking it out, Street Fighter-style…trashy. I was at a college party with a group of meatheads (including myself) checking out this chick. She was by far the cutest girl at the party; beautiful smile, nice set, and passed the dank feet test (good to go). Another female patron had crossed paths with the cute girl, and accidentally spilled beer on her. I didn't know the Incredible Hulk could fit in a pair of Seven Jeans. After eight seconds of verbal jabbing, the cute girl worked the patron out (Pedro vs. Don Zimmer Style). Although the girl had picked up the victory, she also lost her cuteness.
7. Bad Ink:
I hate to say it, but I have had many first hand experiences with this. A bad tattoo can ruin the whole specimen. I am a firm believer that a bad tattoo might have ruined my only long-term, serious relationship (the first time around; hanging out with my boy Sully ruined it the second time). So, my smoking hot girl goes down to Florida with her family. She randomly decides to get a tattoo with her sister. You know, a "bonding experience". She gets home and explains that she has a surprise. It has been a week without my girl and I like surprises. Then she reveals the "tat". I immediately got the fire in the stomach, "What the fuck is that?" She replies, "It's a frog! You know how I love frogs." My own girlfriend, instantly "Not that Hot!" The tattoo was on her back and I kept telling myself the only time I would see it was in the shower, sex, and at the beach. I couldn't do it from behind anymore…I would just lose focus. It didn't even look like a frog; it was more like a piece of green goose shit smooshed on her back! Relationship downhill.
8. Drugs:
How's a hot girl going to blow some yay right in front of you at a Halloween Party, then tell you she's "Kate Moss for Halloween"?
I have seen it, believe me.
9. Guy-friends:
There’s nothing harder than fighting for attention with her guy friend "Steve". You KNOW Steve wants to hit it or already has. Steve just doesn't "want a serious relationship" and now Kristin considers "Steve" a "friend". Kristin, you are just "Not that Hot" anymore. Even worse, if she has absolutely no girl friends of any kind, she definitely has serious issues. She is most likely a jealous, insecure psychopath and girls don't like her for a reason...she sucks at life.
10. Nymph:
A girl that wants sex more than you do should raise some suspicions. If you are dating and are sexually active for more than two months but she still needs sex all the time (and she's asking!), evaluate the situation. She definitely gets demoted to "Not That Hot" if she inquires about anal sex before you even solicit the idea.
11. Sloppy Drunk:
Ever had an incredible girl that appears to be perfect in all the right ways? She's got the looks and the personality. She is cool to bring around both your boys and your parents. She can be a "lady in the street and a freak in the bed". Then suddenly one night you go out for some drinks an all hell breaks loose: Shouting in public; swearing; fighting with you, your friends and complete strangers (see Cat Fighter III). She always finds a way to have a drink in her hands at all times, but flips out when you tell her to slow it down. You either have to baby sit the rest of the night, or take here home immediately. This just brings on more shouting and fighting with you. This is a no win situation and is NOT attractive. Just think Naomi Campbell.
12. Truck Driver:
Ever see a hot girl at the bar from a distance and finally get the courage to walk up and kick some game? As you contemplate your first lame line as you approach, she opens up her mouth and says something like this: "Dude! What the fuck?! That shit is gross! HA HA. I am like, so wicked reTAHded right now! Is my ass wet?" She's got a mouth like Adrianna from the Sopranos and she probably knows every word to "Put it in My Mouth!" This cannot be undone. Just turn around, now!
13. The Joker
This is probably THE worst problem for hot chicks in America today. Way too much makeup crusted on her grill! That is going to take about an hour to get off. Once she does, you most likely aren't going to like what you see the next morning. This is either a cover up for some banged up skin (see Cameron Diaz in "The Not Hot List") or she has low self esteem or something. Honestly. who told you this was a good look, the corner hooker? I have to say, there is nothing better than a girl that can looks hot when she goes out (tiny amounts of makeup are fine) and can be just as hot in sweats and a hat. Tone it down ladies (No, not more toner dumbass!) and you'll make the world a better place for everyone.
Believe me, there are plenty more things to add to this list. There will definitely be a "Vol. 2" in the near future. In the mean time, keep your eyes and ears open. If you spot a Hot girl with any of the 13 flaws, just bow out gracefully. Don't make the same mistakes we did.
Coming soon..."The Top 13 Things That Make an Average Girl Hot"
