The High School Reunion Phenomenon
by Haj
The High School Reunion Phenomenon:
High school reunions are a necessary evil of your early to late twenties. By the time you’re in your thirties, they’re trite and boring, served up in some local hotel ballroom from 7 to 11 on a lame October night with every semi-attractive woman either pregnant or already a mother of 3. The 5th and 10th year reunions provide some serious comedy and some interesting dynamics. Let’s take a look:
5th Year reunion: This one is a crapshoot. You’re only 1 year out of college, and truthfully, most people haven’t changed yet. They’ve gone to college, made new friends and picked up a few new personality traits that they can’t wait to show off. Let’s look at the major categories:
The guys who couldn’t even pull theater/band chicks in high school:
They’ve learned that alcohol makes everything better. So they show up to the bar before anyone else and start slugging back their generic imported light beers or vodka tonics, waiting for the girls to show up so they can work their “magic”.
The dull but somewhat cool guys:
They haven’t changed. They’ll still cling close to the nearest wall with a TV or pool table and have that look about them that they don’t care whether or not they get any ass at all. Deep down inside, you know they are jealous of the guys with game. Or they are just asexual. Weirdos.
The “Popular Guys”:
These guys inevitably will not live up to their high-school personas. They most likely went to college and did their thing, but weren’t nearly as popular as high school. They are dying for this reunion. It’s their time to act like they are pimps and can still hook up with the easy chick in the bathroom during D period. Do not buy these guys a beer; it will only subject you to hours of being their de-facto wingman, which won’t be enjoyable for you. This dude probably put on some weight and his hair-line is starting to recede, but no one has had the balls to tell him. As far as the popular guys who do live up that persona, well they’re on their way to becoming your local congressman, so whatever you do, don’t get on their bad side. 90% chance they’re already sleeping with your girlfriend.
The Burn Outs:
These were the kids who were rocking trench coats and cranking butts in the parking lot for at least 5 periods a day. At the reunion, expect two extremes. The first is obvious - by the time they roll up to the reunion (if they got their license back after the most recent DUI), they've plowed through 2 packs of Marlboro Reds and tossed back a 12-pack of PBR. Once there, they hold themselves up at the bar and sneer at everyone else who actually showered that day. The other extreme is both surprising and irritating - after graduation they somehow turned their lives around and are potentially making more money than you, whether they went to college or not. Resist the urge to resent them for playing hacky sack and rolling joints while you took tests and ran the mile in gym class. Be the bigger man and buy them another PBR.
The Band Girls:
These girls still suck. No matter what they think American Pie did for them, stay away. They also probably added 2 or 3 tattoos since high school to show that they are “down” with the alternative scene.
The Popular Girls:
These girls dropped out of high school, barely graduated from your local community college, or slept with 3 professors to get through Plymouth State. A few of them may still be bang-able after 6 beers. They definitely put on some pounds and most likely have an extremely large ass at this point. They also probably ran train through the entire football and basketball teams (if they made it to college). Stay away; this is not where you want to get involved in. Trust me.
The Smart Girls:
Jackpot! Trust me on this, at least 50% of these girls have matured into “somewhat hot” to “smokeshow” status. Not only that, they’ve grown up with all the guys wanting to get with the popular girls, which makes these smart girls so obtainable. To add the frosting, they all graduated from good schools, and have rich dads. What does this mean for you? If I have to explain it, you should look for advice elsewhere.
10th Year Reunion: Showtime. It’s make or break time here, fellas. The 5-year was a dog and pony show, the 15-year is nothing more than a networking event or an excuse to get away from the 4 screaming kids. The 10-year is the money ball. Let’s check it out:
The guys who couldn’t even pull theater/band chicks in high school:
These guys, on the face of it, would now seem like your worst enemy. They’re pulling between $70 and $120k a year, know they’re crushing it, and have nothing to spend it on. The ladies are ready to pounce on this right? Wrong. These guys are never getting any. Eventually, at 37, they’ll realize that they have to settle for the band girls or the band girls’ friends (even nerdier and less attractive). So as much as cable television would like to convince you otherwise, the truth is these nerds will never win in the long run. Even if they do own a multi-million dollar software company, at least you turned their wife down 3 times in high school. They will also be driving a Porsche or Ferrari at the 15th and 20th reunions to make sure everyone knows they are successful. Tools!
The dull but somewhat cool guys:
These guys still haven’t changed. A few of them might be married, but for the most part, unless you need to know whether to draft T.J Duckett or Reche Caldwell in the 12th round of your fantasy football league this year, don’t spend any time with these guys. This is like talking to a wet blanket.
The “Popular Guys”:
This is it, their last hurrah. This may tempt you to try and undermine them and throw them under a bus so that you look good in front of the girls. Honestly, when could you ever do this in the past? Don’t do it though. It will not work. They still draw about half the salary of the nerds, and they’ve put on about a buck and-a-half, but guess what? The high-school phenomenon will kick in here. They will probably still get a piece of ass tonight and manage to piss off or irritate everyone else in the room. They still have some kind of power and fame in this high school environment, just like you took the Delorean back 10 years. Whether or not someone has a valid reason to undermine these guys, they’ll just plain lose. I have no idea why…
The Burn Outs:
Don't expect to see the true Burn Outs at the 10-year. Look for them behind the counter at your local hardware store or CVS. The "rehabilitated" ones are only here to reinforce that any work you did in high school may have been completely useless. Sweet.
The Band Girls:
These girls still suck. 5 years and 12 tattoos have done nothing. Neither has the woman’s professional wrestling league. Stay away.
The Popular Girls:
You’re way too late, buddy. A few of them may still be do-able, but if they are, their runway is as wide as the Gaza Strip. Guess what? That’s not good for you. Plus 69% of your buddies have already been there. Take this as Gospel, it’s not worth it.
The Smart Girls:
Dude, you’re way too late. If they’re not married, their waists have already expanded to at least 5 times their bust size, and once you get beyond Shakira’s waist size, that’s not cool. This is where you lose out. All the chicks that grew up to be hot and smart have either been married to some chump from Harvard/Yale/Berkeley for 3 years, or they married some con-artist (see dull but somewhat cool guys) that you graduated with. You should have got on this at your 5-year reunion, as we advised about 8 paragraphs ago. If you didn’t heed our advice, well, there are a lot of good Harvard girls graduating this year. Your hometown girls obviously suck. Or maybe you do. On second thought, it’s probably you.
Final Thoughts:
Your 5 and 10-year reunions are the only times you might regain what small ounce of game you might have had with the local ladies. We all know that getting together with a semi-hot hometown-chick is equal to a very hot out of town chick. Somehow, the scale is calibrated in this strange way. Using these landmarks, the smart hometown guys have locked up the best ladies on the market, and the other ones are prime for the picking from the local popular guys. What chance do you have? None.
True story, regardless of what you have accomplished in the last 5-10 years, you’re still the Band/English/Drama geek you were 10 years ago. The only person who sees you different? You. This means you’re getting none. Sorry, but that sucks for you. See you at the 15th! Oh no wait, we won’t.
