The Jerky Girls

Burger Queen: 

Jill calls Burger King asking to be their next Ronald McDonald...which results in her applying to work there as a "Burger Queen".

Jerky Girls History:

It all started when Jill and I had nothing better to do than to pick up the phone and harass people. Jill got the ball rolling by calling up a bunch of people from Maynard – a town that for some reason we felt was the laughing stock of Massachusetts. Her first act was that of an English Captain searching for her “little skipper.”

Jill: “Hello mate, is the l’il skippa at home?”

Random schmuck: “Huh?”

Jill: “The l’il skippa.”

Random schmuck: “Excuse me?”

Jill: “I’m looking fuh the l’il skipper, could you grab the l’il chap?”

(Not a terribly funny plotline, but hey, we were just amateurs.)

I had an obsession with the Jerky Boys – introduced to me by my brother – and I was hoping to record our talents (or lack thereof) onto a tape – a la The Jerky Boys. My plan was to call us the Jerky Girls – not very creative but give me a break, I was 16 years old.

Soon, we brought our dear friend Stephanie into the mix. With the three of us together we were ready to conquer the world of teenage prank phone calls.

Using a speaker phone and a tape recorder, Jill, Steph, and I embarked on a bold adventure. The Jerky Girls tape (I taped over Tone Loc’s debut effort – Loc’ed After Dark – remember Funky Cold Medina?) became famous around our high school. Copies were made. We sieged our high school

airwaves - one night, the three of us raided the studios and forced some poor, pimply freshman DJ to play our tape. Students would use their lunch hour to go out to the parking lot to listen to our calls.

Of course, there was no sense of professionalism to our calls. We had a hard time holding our laughter in, so you can often hear us in the background. Furthermore, I had the worst fake accent ever. In the “Wong Restaurant” track, I was trying desperately to put on a Chinese accent; instead, I single-handedly created the first Chinese-French-English accent known to mankind. Jill was the best: she had a knack for comedic timing. But that’s not to sell Steph’s talents short: she was pretty damn funny not to mention sexy – and she was only 16!

Listening to the phone calls today, I have to laugh at our naiveté and our flat-out un-PC language. But, of course, it was all in good fun. Believe it or not, those were some of my fondest memories from my youth: sitting around a phone with my best girlfriends, laughing our asses off, pissing people off (especially the Makaha restaurant owner – we must have called there a dozen times), skipping high school parties to make our calls (“Hey, are you guys heading to the combat zone tonight for the huge ripper? No, we’re doing Jerky Girls.”), and just being young and having a drug-free, good time.

Our Jerky Girls days came to an end when we decided to call a boy from our high school and play some of the speaking tracks from the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. “Don’t anybody fucking move, this is a robbery,” the voice said into the phone. Unfortunately, the boy (and I’m assuming his father) didn’t find it very amusing and the next thing we knew two (hot) cops showed up at my door. On the verge of soiling my pants, I left them standing there and ran to get my father. He greeted the cops at the front door in his tightie-whities, while I ran to my room (the scene of the crime) to rip the phone out of the wall and throw it in my closet – as if that would throw them off the trail. We were scolded and so ended the Jerky Girls. Whoever invented caller id and *69 was a supreme buzzkill.

Today, we’ve got kids producing their own videos on You-Tube, and basically, doing incredible things with technology for entertainment purposes that frankly, fascinate me. But, I have to say, the simplicity of sitting around with a phone and an old-school tape recorder (about as unsophisticated as you can get) has more appeal to me than all of the modern-day stuff combined.

Here is the list of our more-popular calls and a brief description for each one (These will all be added to the rotation soon so keep checking in!):

1. Lucy Lips / Steph - Listening to this call today amazes me for one reason – the fact that Steph was able to sound like an absolute sex-pot at the tender age of 16.

2. Cherry / Jill – Christo Auto School was our high school’s driver’s education company. We couldn’t resist the opportunity to harass them.

3. Leroy / Jill – A frantic mother (with an English accent) from Maynard calls D’Angelos looking for her potbelly son. A Jerky Girls classic and our most famous! The second Jill opened her mouth on this one, we knew it was gold.

4. Heidi / Steph – Steph calls a restaurant looking for her black, leather panties.

5. Makaha / Jane– Jane calls a local Chinese restaurant to order the same thing over and over again. For some reason she thinks that they serve shrimp cocktail at Chinese restaurants.

6. Uh Huh / Jill – Jill is an exchange student calling her host-family.

7. Wong Restaurant /Jane – This is where I show my lack of talent when it comes to putting on accents. But I am hungry and I need food; hopefully the woman I call has some suggestions on good restaurants.

8. Lawrence / Jill – Jill calls a man who seems to have a hearing problem. Jane chimes in to talk politics.

9. The Jackal / Randy – Short but sweet. One night my brother sat in on the debauchery. He made one and only one call (a guest appearance), but it was an instant classic – especially due to the woman’s indifferent reaction.

10. Burger Queen / Jill – Another one of Jill’s best. Accidentally thinking that Burger King’s mascot was Ronald McDonald, she calls to apply for a job as the famous red-headed clown. If you listen carefully, you can hear some pounding in the background during the middle of the call. That’s the sound of me crawling away from the phone because I was laughing so hard. No joke, I peed my pants.

11. The Rogue / Jill – A local clown is harassed by Jill, who is looking to “join up with him.”

12. Limo / Jane – Jane calls a local limousine service – she is looking for a limo large enough to transport her 800 pound husband to Fat Club Anonymous.