Urine Big Trouble
by DC
"Urine big trouble"
by DC
I'm sure you've all seen a forwarded email or two about "Pooping at Work". Sure it's funny... in fact, I can not think of a time when pooping or passing gas is not funny. It crosses all barriers... age, race, gender... it is a guaranteed laugh. Often overlooked, however, are the wonderful idiosyncrasies of option #1... the little brother of pooping at work... and that is using the urinal.
Much like dropping anchor at work, one should abide by a set of unwritten (until now) rules at work. In fact, you've probably seen a few of these referenced in other columns on this very site. Let's review:
1. Minimal talking: I'm not going to outlaw all talking, because uncomfortable silence can be just as bad as a motormouth in there. We'll go with a one syllable maximum. "Hey" is fine. "Hey, how was your night? You see the Pats game last night? Maroney is something else." is not.
2. Eyes front: If and when you give the "hey", focus on the wall in front of you. Eye contact is for job interviews not pissing at work.
3. No Bruce Bowens: A Bruce Bowen is the guy who is "overplaying" the urinal, as if he were trying to force it to go left or something. He'll stagger the feet like he is trying to lock down Ray Allen, and this is bad news. News flash for you... the urinal is not going anywhere, play it straight up.
4. Use the glass: Sticking with a hoop theme here for this next bullet, you should always "use the glass" when using a public urinal. Aiming the stream directly into the small pool of urinal water at the bottom opens yourself up to a lot of issues. The splash rate is pretty high (risking splashback onto one's khakis) and the noise level is off the charts. Angle your stream towards the back left or right corner, and in a downward fashion. It minimizes sound, and virtually eliminates any threat of splashback, allowing it to flow gently into the pool at the bottom, much like a babbling brook.
5. Urinal selection: I am not getting into this here, because if you don't know which one to choose if given an option (real men learn this early in life), then you don't find this article funny and stopped reading a while ago anyway.
6. Complete the entire process before moving on: Relieving yourself is just one part of the process... there will probably be a shake involved at some point, and hopefully some re-zipping or belt re-buckling. It would be greatly appreciated if you wrapped this all up prior to leaving your squared up stance in front of the urinal. Too many times I've entered a public bathroom to guys drop stepping and spinning towards the sink (and anyone coming in) with belt buckles flying, junk potentially exposed, etc… and this increases the threat of injury (both mental and physical) for all involved. This is especially true for those of you who (for reasons unbeknownst to me) decide to almost completely undress to take a leak. The zipper is one of the greatest inventions in the last 500 years, use it.
Simple rules to follow… it's not brain surgery, and it most certainly will keep you from pissing people off when using the urinal at work. Trust me, I'm a whiz when it comes to this stuff.
